When will I stop analyzing this?
My impression is that they like musicians who are really more literary than musical. As in, they want a person to get up there with either an acoustic or dissonant electric and read a flat journal about being an undersexed INTP teenager. The story has to VASTLY outstrip what’s going on musically. The flatter, simpler and moderately melodic the better. Bring the vocals forward and play your 3 chords fast like this: strum-strum-strum-strumma-strum-strum. Then pile on the tweestruments, for everyone of your 20 friends with an undersized sweater and bad bowl cut.
MOST importantly your story needs to be: suburban, non-moralistic, moderately detailed, between two people (one of which is really the ideal of the person, not the person).
It’s amazing how many variations there are to Love Will Tear Us Apart. Much like the Amen break, apparently you can build two or three decades worth of rock on a single instance of music. Amazing.